When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
