two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
