wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
