What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
