Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
