I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
