I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
