Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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