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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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