i wish my penis had a tongue
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
