I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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