apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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