My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
