just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
