We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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