I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
