i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she smelled like a LAN party
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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