i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
