final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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