I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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