sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
