hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I need to align my fucking chakras
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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