He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
