On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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