pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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