when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
