so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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