When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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