so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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