i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have aggressive nipples.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just puked most of my soul out..
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