I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Alive.
So much puke
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize