I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
