I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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