I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
