Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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