I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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