I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
