I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
