Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
