i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
