i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
