I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
