I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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