this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
