I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
