She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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