Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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