It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
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