evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
