Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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