But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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