Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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