i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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