WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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