Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
