I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
