I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
