her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's never too late to be topless.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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