Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
