I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
