Capitaan dildo arrescate!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize